This Wasn't in my Job Description
by VestaraJade
Summary: Nom Anor has a very important job. It isn't what he expected at all. AU
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This started totally randomly while I was talking with my sister.**

**Disclaimer: not mine.**

Warmaster Tsavong Lah sat on his Throne, thinking. Soon the abominable world of Coruscant would be his. The planet shaping would begin as soon as possible so that it would be ready for Supreme Overlord Shimraa's arrival. His reverie was interrupted as his communications officer, Seef, approached him with a villip.

"Senator Viqi Shesh requests the honor of speaking to you, Warmaster."

"Very well." He inserted a tizowyrm into his ear, preparing himself to speak in the awful tongues of the infidels, then he stroked the villip. It rippled, then transformed into a likeness of the Kuati politician.

"I hope for your sake you aren't calling to report failure."

"Not at all," she purred. "In fact just the opposite. I have the package."

"Very well, and you're plan worked well?"

She laughed, an annoying sound that grated on his nerves. "They were so distracted, they didn't even notice until I was aboard my ship."

"So you are on your way?"

"Yes, Supreme One."

The Warmaster couldn't tell if she was sincere in her address, as the tizowyrm was acting up.

He scowled and rubbed the villip again, cutting off any smug remark she was going to make. Then he turned to the door and called Seef to him.

"Bring me Nom Anor's villip."

"At once Warmaster."

At last he would defeat the accursed _Jeedai_.

~O~

Nom Anor pushed his ship to new limits. It would not do to be late for his appointment with the Warmaster. Tsavong Lah had indicated that he had a new job, a very important one, for him.

His ship chimed, telling him that it was about to exit darkspace. Or, as the infidels called it, hyperspace. The stars became lines, and then points of light. Nom anor almost gasped at the sight that met his eyes. it was a sight of utter devastation. Coruscant was like a bloody scab, all black and orange and red. Soon, he knew, it would change into more natural colors. Blues, greens, and yellows. He spotted the warmaster's ship, and prepared himself for his new, very, important, job.

~O~

"Greetings, great Warmaster of the Yuuzhan Vong, May the Gods be ever in your favor."

Nom Anor lay prostrate before Tsavong lah.

"Rise." The warmaster commanded imperiously.

Nom Anor scowled; no one should tell him what to do, and soon, no one would.

"Your new assignment," He continued, oblivious to his servant's rage. He gestured to the side of his throne, and out stepped the infidel Senator, Viqi Shesh, with a bundle of something in her arms.

"You are to take excellent care of it. Or else."

Nom Anor stared in shock at the...thing... Viqi had just handed him.

He barely heard the warmaster say. "The Jeedai will fall into ruin now that I have captured their leaders child. Ben Skywalker will be shaped against the Jeedai and become the weapon that will win us the war!

**A/N: What do you think? Sorry if i got some Vong things wrong. Reviews are appreciated. Anyone catch the hunger games reference? Did anyone guess what the bundle was before the end of the story?**


	2. Chapter 2

The tiny human who sat on the floor, cooing as he felt the rough coral beneath his hands. Nom Anor watched him carefully. If the Jedi baby died, they would lose their chance of dealing a blow that would cripple the order and most likely destroy its leaders.

He did not care about any of this however. All he wanted was for this pathetic infidel to be passed on to a less important member of his caste so he could get back to work.

He was torn away from his thoughts at the sound of the baby shrieking.

"What is it, you mewling infidel?" He demanded. The baby looked up at him with tears in his eyes and said softly "Boo-boo." sure enough, there was a cut, presumably inflicted by the Yorik coral, on the tiny palm.

"That's it?" Nom Anor asked incredulously. "That is why you cry? I would think the child of a Jedi would be better at embracing the pain! Any one of our children would have purposely done that and then enjoyed it!"

"Boo-boo." Was the adamant reply.

"I will not pander to you like some pet! You will endure this! How else will you prepare to be a weapon against the Jedi?"

"Boo-boo."

"Gah! Why do the gods punish me so?"

The child was had crawled up to him and was now holding his hand out.

"What? What do you want me to do?"

The baby pursed his little lips, and made a wet smacking sound.

Nom Anor sighed and wiped spittle from his face. "Use your limited vocabulary."

"Kiss Boo-boo."

"What? No. No, no, no. I refuse."

As soon as he said it, he knew he had made a mistake. The little face scrunched up, the mouth opened and the most unearthly sound came out.

"That won't help."

More screams

"This is extremely immature of you."

The wails continued.

"Stop this! It is beneath you." It might attract too much attention. It was starting to give him a headache too.

"That was your last chance. I will be forced to use other methods."

The wail stopped abruptly. "F-force?" Came the tearful voice.

"No, not the Force, use force."

And the screaming continued.

"That's it! Fine! I'll kiss your 'Boo-boo' if you just stop that infernal racket!"

The hand was stuck in his face again.

_How are you even supposed to do this?_ He thought.

He puckered up him fringed lips and pressed them against the baby's hand. Behind him he heard the Hatch-Sphincter open. He spun to find a warrior standing there, a look of shock on his face. As fast as he could he twitched his eye shooting poisen from his Playrin Bol at the other. The warrior collapsed in in a writhing heap. soon his convulsions stopped and he lay still.

Nom Anor turned back to face the baby, only to find him gone. He felt a tugging on his robe and looked down. There was the child, crawling towards the dead body. "Wait!" He yelled. Too late. The baby poked the warriors face and pronounced solemnly "Dead."

"Yes. Dead."

The baby smiled. "Good! Do again!"

Nom Anor groaned. This was going to be a long night.


	3. Chapter 3

Nom Anor was growing increasingly agitated by his charge. It was time for him to me to go to sleep, but the baby was having none of it.

"Dead again!" Said the child, his lower lip stuck out adamantly.

"I'm not going to kill one of my warriors just for your pleasure!"

"Dead."

"Why do you insist on this? Why do you want them dead? I thought Jedi protected "life"?

"Is baguy."

Even after years of living among infidels, he didn't know that word.

"What does that mean?"

"Is. Ba. Guy."

"I am growing impatient with your limited grasp of your awful language."

His response was a wet raspberry followed by an insistent reply.

"Is. Ba. Dguy"

"Bad guy? Is that what you're saying? You dare to imply that one of the Yuuzhan Vong, the chosen ones of the gods is 'bad'?"

An emphatic nod.

"Who told you this?"

"Mama."

"Your mother knows nothing young one. I will teach you the true ways to glory! And one day, you will be the amphistaff we will swing at the accursed Jedi! A beacon! Leading the warriors of Yun-Yammka to victory! What do you think of that, eh?"

There was silence. He looked down and saw the child, curled up in a ball on the floor, fast asleep.

_Finally._He thought._ Hopefully he didn't believe that nonsense about helping the Yuuzhan Vong. He will become an amphistaff, but it will be for my personal use only. With a Jedi at my side, I could become so powerful. I would be the leader, the true incarnation of fear. No one would dare stand against me._

With these satisfactory thoughts running through his head, he prepared himself for sleep, anticipating the days to come.

~O~

Three of what the infidels called "hours" later, he was awoken from his slumber by an ear-splitting noise. He went over to where he had last seen the thing, and found it gone. He stumbled around the room looking for it, trying to follow the sounds of the screams, and finally tripped over something soft, causing the wailing to increase in volume.

He bent down and scooped up the child, cursing to himself.

"What is the matter with you! can't I have a little peace and quiet? I gave you what you wanted all day, and yet you seem to want nothing more than to make me miserable! Is this what your parents have to deal with everyday?"

The child had quieted gradually during his tirade, and now was snuffling and looking up at him in fear.

"How does your mother deal with you!"

(sniff) "Mama?"

"No! No, no, no! You shall not have your mother! You'll never see her again!'

Too late, he realized this was the wrong thing to say, as the wails started again. There was a knock, and then the Hatch-Sphincter opened. another warrior stepped inside. He snapped to attention, saluted, and then said.

"The Warmaster orders you to take the infidel child to a more suitable environment. Your ship is being prepared as we speak. You will take him far behind our lines, so that he may not be rescued, and you will raise him there, far away from the Warmaster, so that he might get some sleep."

The warrior snapped his arms to his shoulders and left, leaving Nom Anor to glare at the closing Hatch-Sphincter with disbelief.

_When will this end? He wondered._


End file.
